4 Reasons Why I Haven’t Written This Essay

1. There are no limits to the amount of stalking I can do on the Internet

If you have a Facebook, a Twitter or a Tumblr, I will find you. This can be both a blessing and a curse (and is probably illegal in some states – DON’T TELL THE AUTHORITIES). A blessing in the sense that I have been able to carve entire friendships out of my ability to memorise peoples’ interests/likes and then subtly drop them into conversation so as to seem hip/cool/relevant. As most modern conversations are just a recitation of cultural experiences (the weather just isn’t what it used to be?) this is a good thing.

My superior stalking abilities can be a curse though. The other day I drunkenly waved at someone who I’d never met before. I had, however, stalked their profile pictures [read: they should probably change their privacy settings] on Facebook enough that I invented a friendship that didn’t exist. Given that this kind of behavior is not altogether atypical, this has confirmed two things to me: 1. I should stop using Facebook so much and 2. I’m probably a mild alcoholic.

2. I am a domestic goddess when an assignment is due

Normally I don’t cook. It’s not like I’m one of those people who struggles to boil water or can’t cook toast without burning it though. I just have better things to do with my time (like not writing that essay). I think my cooking laziness probably has something to do with the formative powers of the OC. Remember the OC? I do. I think most of my self-deprecating-awkward-reference-laden self is constructed on the show’s break out character Seth Cohen. Seth was Michael Cera before Michael Cera was Michael Cera. And he was better looking. Seth’s mother, aside from being one of television’s most tragic alcoholics, did not cook. So instead they got Chinese take out almost every night. This basically mirrors my own diet. Except I sometimes get Thai or Cheese Supreme Doritos.

Everything changes when there is an essay due though. Instead of writing 2000 words on the rise of neo-communist politics in modern Russia, I’d much prefer to be baking a croquembouche (do you bake them?) or cooking a three-course dinner for my housemates. In fact, if the entire Masterchef competition were to be scheduled before a major assignment was due I wouldn’t be surprised if I won. So maybe these examples are ever so slightly embellished, but the truth is I do cook and clean a lot more when an essay is due.

3. Wikipedia is a magical place of discovery and information

My obsession with Wikipedia most awkwardly revealed itself when, having only heard the birthdate of a famous ‘celebrity’ in a ‘Who Am I?’ at a quiz night, I correctly answered the question with Delta Goodrem. Aside from being ever so slightly obsessed with Delta when I was in year 9 (I WAS BORN THIS WAY, OK?) my only recent experience with the singer was a procrastination-induced reading of her Wikipedia page. This reading was obviously striking though, given I was able to remember her exact birth date. These are the kind of random facts that stick with a seasoned Wikipedia user though.

I write seasoned because I know there are other people who are as obsessed with the site as I am. Or at least the same entries on the site. I recently had a conversation where someone used an obscure story to describe how a singer we both liked had struggled to write her second album. Whilst the anecdote itself was interesting, the whole time it was being recounted I had the niggling suspicion I’d read it somewhere before. A few weeks later I found myself on the singer’s Wikipedia entry and without surprise found the anecdote in the paragraph on their second album. Also, did you know that Ke$ha was featured in an episode of The Simple Life with Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie before she was famous? Yeah, true story. Thanks Wikipedia.

4. Writing about struggling to write an essay is much more interesting than writing an essay.


Ps. The essay isn’t finished.


About Liam Carswell & Jamila Fontana

We are two twenty something, pop culture loving, politics loving, left leaning, female rap adoring, fashion obsessive friends from Hobart, Tasmania, Almost Melbourne. On politics, world affairs, relationships, society and all things unspoken and awkward. Liam likes vinyl, Topman and coke. Jamila likes Eve, middle aged folk singers and Che Guevara (still!).
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