1. Crossing the road.
Or: HEY CRAZY CAR DRIVER I’M NOT FLUENT IN CAR-TO-PEDESTRIAN SIGN LANGUAGE AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR WILD GESTICULATIONS MEAN.
2. When someone tries to make conversation in a public toilet.
If urinating less than a foot away from me isn’t already awkward enough, asking whether my night has been any good is not going to make this situation any better.
4. Trying to rap a Nicki Minaj song.
5. Bank transactions.
This actually relates to a number of situations where salespeople have access to my personal information, but if I haven’t introduced myself by name, you definitely DO NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT TO CALL ME BY FIRST NAME. Also, saying ‘Thanks Liam’ feels deliberately condescending when I’ve just withdrawn the entire contents of my transaction account ($1.80) to catch a bus.
6. Criticising ‘Call Me Maybe’.
7. Dancing to ‘Crazy In Love’ in a packed club.
If I can’t get married, goddammit it is my right as a white, drunk, gay male to mistakenly think crumping is okay.
a distant any relative tries to add you on Facebook.