How To Be A Fraudulent Twentysomething in 2013

Stop listening to Triple J. Like actually please stop, you’re only encouraging them. Instead only listen to songs that have been made Best New Music by Pitchfork. In fact, don’t even listen to all of them. Just listen to albums that Pitchfork have given a rating of >9.0 to. Don’t actually tell anyone you read Pitchfork though (the first rule of Pitchfork?).

Choose at least one band from the 70s, 80s and 90s that you have a cursory understanding of and pretend you’ve been listening to them since you were a misunderstood thirteen year old. Some relatively easy choices include: The Smiths, Smashing Pumpkins, Joy Division, Nick Drake, Cocteau Twins, Pixies or pretty much any girl group in which [at least] one of the singers suffered an addiction to a class A drug.

Make up a backstory. Like IDK, maybe tell people you were a fundamentalist Christian before you discovered ‘Blue’ by Joni Mitchell. Or that you’re gay. That’s pretty cool these days.

Make sure you like at least one piece of popular culture so it’s absolutely clear you’re not trying too hard. As a rule, check that it’s not the one piece of popular culture that everyone else who is trying too hard pretends to like [read: Taylor Swift or Gossip Girl (RIP)]. In 2013 it’ll probably involve something with Emma Stone in it.

Find ways to ‘intelligently’ undermine the hard work of people who are actually making refreshing culture. Criticize a show that explores someone’s very personal experience of being young by saying that it misrepresents the racial profile of city with more than ten million people in it.

Oh what, you’re having fun at that party? Stop. Now. You’re showing way too much gum and giving everything away. As soon as is practical, find the coolest person you can see at the party and drag them away from everyone else. Imagine you’re both encaged and don’t give anyone the key. Above all, ensure that everyone can see you judging them. Oh and make sure you’re smoking at the same time.

Stop reading; it’s a complete waste of time anyway. Keep buying books though. Buy enough to fill an entire shelf in your room. Occasionally get drunk and poignantly observe that a bookshelf filled with books you’ve never read is an accurate metaphor for the vacuous life you’re living.

Actually I take that back, read at least one obscure book a year. Then find at least one new person at every party you go to and impress them by raving about a book they won’t have read. Most people will literally freak out that someone has actually read a book and, if by chance they bring up anything you haven’t read, steer the conversation in the direction of novels where you’ve seen the movie (and then proceed to shit all over the movie adaptation, mmmmm irony).

I actually have no idea what any of these things are, but I’m just going to write them down here so you can throw them out into a conversation sometime: ‘Charles Bukowski’, ‘Serge Gainsbourg’, ‘Dancer In The Dark’, ‘Zola Jesus’, ‘Four Tet’.

Keep trying your hardest to seem like you’re not trying at all. Perhaps you could write a blog about all of the things you’re insecure about and pretend you’re better than those very same insecurities?

Liam

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About Liam Carswell & Jamila Fontana

We are two twenty something, pop culture loving, politics loving, left leaning, female rap adoring, fashion obsessive friends from Hobart, Tasmania, Almost Melbourne. On politics, world affairs, relationships, society and all things unspoken and awkward. Liam likes vinyl, Topman and coke. Jamila likes Eve, middle aged folk singers and Che Guevara (still!).
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4 Responses to How To Be A Fraudulent Twentysomething in 2013

  1. AsGrayAsGray says:

    Thanks for the list of ideas on how to keep myself relevant and connected, while remaining aloof and coldly distant…

  2. Mammoth says:

    Don’t you just HATE the conformists and phonies. I said as much to my gay, clinically depressed, heroin addict friend the other day – whilst reading a well worn, leather-bound book on existential philosophy … in an art gallery.

  3. Veloaficionado says:

    Gainsbourg, you LOSER DICK, GAINSBOURG!

  4. I wanna be cool! says:

    So….does this mean that Ray Ban glasses, goatees, and Mumford and Sons are out?

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