Tony Abbott and Barack Obama: The First Conversation

Given the increasing likelihood of Tony Abbott becoming Prime Minister, we’ve brought out the crystal ball to imagine the first conversation between the US President and the new PM, as Barrack Obama congratulates Abbott on his victory.

Tony Abbott: Good morning Mr. President.

Barrack Obama: Tony, congratulations on your victory!

T: Thanks, it was tough campaign, but we got there.

B: So what’s the first order of business?

T: Well we’re going to scrap the toxic tax.

B: You guys have a tax on toxins?

T: No, no. We’re going to stop the great big tax on everything.

B: You have a tax on everything?!

T: What I mean, Mr President, is that we’re going to scrap the carbon tax.

B: You’re going to stop action on climate change?

T: Not altogether, but as I did once say, ‘climate change is absolute crap’.

B: Crap? That seems a bit crazy?

T: Oh Barrack, it was just a bit of rhetorical hyperbole.

B: Rhetorical hyperbole? Ok. Was there something else you were going to stop?

T: The boats.

B: All of them?

T: Not all, just the ones with the illegal immigrants on them.

B: Are they the ones seeking asylum?

T: No, they’re the ones skipping the queue.

B: But they’re seeking asylum?

T: Yes.

B: That’s not actually illegal.

T: Semantics, Mr President, we’re going to stop the boats ok?

B: Sure, sure. In my view, I’ve always supported immigrants, if they succeed, you’ll create American businesses and American jobs. You’ll help us grow the economy and you’ll help strengthen the middle class.

T: Ok cool.

B: I hear your sister might want to get married?

T: Yes! Christine is great.

B: Beautiful. I assume you’ll change the law then? You’ll make marriage equality happen?

T: No.

B: So your own sister is in a long-term, committed same-sex relationship, but you wouldn’t let her get married if she wanted to?

T: No. It’s probably just a phase anyway. I mean, as I’ve said recently in relation to this issue, her wanting to get married is just the ‘fashion of the moment’. I mean, how would you treat these people?

B: Well, as I said recently, ‘we are a people who declared that we are all created equal – and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.’

T: Wow, what a very radical change.

B: Not really. Anyway, you’ve got three beautiful daughters. Are you planning any special changes for them?

T: Not really, no.

B: They must have a bright future in front of them?

T: Perhaps, but as I’ve said previously, ‘it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons.’

B: Folly?

T: Yes, unfortunately.

B: I’ve always had the opposite view. As I once said ‘let us resolve to become a nation that values the contributions of our daughters as much as those of our sons, denies them no opportunity, and sets no limits on their dreams.’

T: Well it appears we’ll have to agree to disagree.

B: Sure. I hear there was some controversy when the former Prime Minister said she didn’t want abortion to become ‘the political plaything of men who think they know better’.

T: Yes, well at the time our party said we wouldn’t be making any changes to abortion laws.

B: Good to hear.

T: Yes, but as I have said in the past, ‘the problem with the Australian practice of abortion is that an objectively grave matter has been reduced to a question of the mother’s convenience.’

B: A mother’s convenience?

T: Yes.

B: I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing. I want women to control their own health choices, just like I want my daughters to have the same opportunities as anyone else’s sons.

T: Another radical opinion.

B: Not really, perhaps we’ll have to just agree to disagree again?

T: Sure.

B: Good luck anyway!

T: Thanks, talk soon.



About Liam Carswell & Jamila Fontana

We are two twenty something, pop culture loving, politics loving, left leaning, female rap adoring, fashion obsessive friends from Hobart, Tasmania, Almost Melbourne. On politics, world affairs, relationships, society and all things unspoken and awkward. Liam likes vinyl, Topman and coke. Jamila likes Eve, middle aged folk singers and Che Guevara (still!).
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2 Responses to Tony Abbott and Barack Obama: The First Conversation

  1. Chilliham says:

    Wow Liam how did you get an advanced copy of Tony’s speech ( at the G20 Leaders Retreat more than twelve months in advance?

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